Everyone Else That Is Driving Their Car Besides Me Can Get Fucked

This will probably be part 1 in approximately 3 billion posts in which I bitch about assholes in traffic. I'll try to make this one cover as many categories of people that can get fucked as I can think of.


1. People that fail to use their turn signals. If I'm stuck behind you because I didn't realize you were going to wait for 300 oncoming cars to drive by before you illegally turn left, you can get fucked.

2. People that skip in front of me by passing on the right while I am stopping at stop signs. Is it really worth missing my rear bumper by 2 inches and then almost running over that woman pushing a baby in a stroller so you can save 1.6 seconds of commute time, guy in the 1987 ford escort with ground effects? Get fucked.

3. People with a big rear spoiler. Look at them. They seriously need to get fucked so hard.

4. People that have a $2000 stereo system in a $500 car. They never spend the extra $5 on a rubber strip to prevent their trunk from rattling, yet they always spend the extra $200 for the bra on the front of their rusted out 1982 cutlass. Get fucked.

5. People that immediately honk when the light turns green, when I've been staring at it, intently waiting for it to change, and have already started to accelerate. How do they manage to honk in that split second between when the light changes and when I've broken past the crosswalk? Are they pissed that I wasn't watching the other traffic light and waiting for it to turn Red, and taking off before our light actually turns green? Why do they need to get fucked so amazingly hard?

6. People that pay more attention to their cell phones than the hundreds of tons of steel flying past them at all directions. I am guilty of talking on the cell while driving, which, admittedly, I probably should get fucked for every once in a while. I'll give you that. However, 9,000 times out of ten, some asshole blows a red light and almost flattens an old lady trying to make it from the drug store to the bus stop, that asshole is talking on his cell phone. I wish the person on the other end of that call was me, and that I was telling them to get fucked.

7. People that pull out in front of you and then go really slow. If people pull out in front of me and then haul ass, no harm no foul. I might be all "what the fuck is this asshole thinking" for a split second but then I'm over it. But if that fucker doesn't haul ass, or if they decide to parallel park or some shit, that fucker can get fucked.

8. People that drive too slow, and then when you go to pass them, they speed up. When I pass you on the right because I'm trying to drive 80 mph and you're driving a paltry 72, don't take it personal. Just accept the fact that some dude is passing you, and if you feel the need to adjust your cruising speed, do so after the pass has been completed. Let it be. Ever notice that this is almost always a short dude in a full sized truck with a W sticker on the back? Man can they get fucked.

9. People that flick their cigarrettes out when I'm right behind them on the Interstate and we're going really fast. I know this probably does absolutely no damage to my car whatsoever, but there is just something about the combination of that stale ass second hand smoke smell that briefly finds its way into my car, the minor littering offense, and the fact that it's 10 degrees below zero and they've been stupid enough to drive down the interstate with their window cracked for the last half an hour that just really makes me want to tell them to get fucked.

OK, that's it for tonight. This is starting to put me back in the same mood I'm in when I've been stuck in rush hour traffic for an hour. YOU GET FUCKED, AMERICA!