Man, I subscribed to this piece of shit celebrity teet-suckler back in high school, right around when I turned 18 and got my first credit card. There was some "deal" through said credit card, and being a stupid 18 year old clutching his Nirvana CDs in his beflanneled arms, I was like "credit card companies and people that constantly try to sell me magazines surely cannot have done anything not to be trusted!" so I signed myself up. Little did I know it would be 10 years later and I'd still be paying an annual fee to those motherfuckers so that they could keep telling me about how fucking awesome their own magazine and the White Stripes are approximately once every 2 weeks. Mind you, whenever the mood has struck me (say, when there's a fucking shirtless Justin Timberlake on the cover, or when they name-check Jack White 10 times in a goddamn article about the war on Iraq), I have called both Rolling Stone and my credit card company in hopes that I can end the misery--that I pay an annual fee to receive--all to no avail. One company says the other company is responsible for ending the subscription, and then I decide it isn't worth my time and rage for how much money I'm wasting on it.
The latest issue, apparently, just in case you weren't stupid enough to subscribe when you got your first credit card statement in the mail and they had "awesome deals on the best magazines!" in the envelope, was their 1000th issue. So they decide to use this issue not to celebrate, oh I don't know, the artists and cultural turmoil of the last 30-some-odd years that have kept them in business, but to celebrate THE PURE GENIUS OF THE PEOPLE THAT TOOK PICTURES OF EXTREMELY PHOTOGENIC MUSICIANS AND ACTORS. Yup. I shit you not, there is a full page devoted to a cover shot of Jakob Dylan from 1997, and without irony, they downplay that his father is Bob Dylan and that he has model looks (clearly, neither of these reasons would be why he is on the cover of the magazine! Heresy!), while at the same time lauding critical praise upon his then-hit CD. Remember the Wallflowers? Yeah? Ever make it to the second verse in one of their songs without falling into a deep sleep? Me neither.
I think it's time I got a new credit card. That would solve the problem. Also, it would be nice to get airline miles or something. Perhaps there is a credit card that will award cash back based upon how much rage one can muster over reading some douchebag trying to tell me that "One Headlight" was a hit that will be remembered throughout the ages. I'd end up with free purchases for a year with that bonus.
Who wants to make a bet that somewhere, Jann Wenner is masturbating to an essay written by Hunter S. Thompson about how they both saw crazy things when they got fucked up on some crazy drugs? I will give you odds.
My Rolling Stone subscription can get fucked.
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7 comments:
if you didn't see it on the counter yesterday, this months issue just came in for you.
RAY SZMANDA??!?!?!? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!
my god, todd, i remember you bitching about this 2 or 3 years ago! cancel that credit card!
I lockd in basemant and only has my RS mags to know about werld. Do not you talk about the only way i can feel important and like human bean. You no like it when they poop on you. You not nice. You end up tyed in basemant with me. Bad boy, spank, spank. They hit you to. Herts alot and bleed. Use RS mag to klene legs. Hoo are you?
Your post makes about as much sense as an R Kelly song, while also being vaguely reminiscent of R Kelly's lyrics. I am assuming you are R Kelly. Stop peeing on 13 year old girls and filming it, R Kelly. That is wrong.
No r kelly you dumb bell. Just bad boy like you. You want lockd in basemant? It no good - for bad boys spank spank but you probably like spank spank. Sick boys like you can get f'cked. No say bad word so no spank spank. You want feel important reel bad but you no live in basemant. You esay life so eat poop. You try live in basemant 7 years and no like peoples taht do to you all bad stuff. you not human so you are f'cked.
Totally! That makes so much sense. I'll keep it all under consideration.
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