Almost Everyone That Calls Me On the Phone Can Get Fucked.

Now, if someone wants to call me to tell me how much they love me, how they're going to repay that money I lent them, or to fill me in on the details of our impending hang out, I am more than happy to converse with them. I am a pretty pleasant dude to talk to. In fact, some might say I'm quite the conversationalist.

However, perhaps this may come as a shock to you, but that's probably less than 1% of the phone calls I receive, on average.

The other 99% of the phone calls I receive slowly make small parts of me die. I really want to tell the following people to get fucked. Sometimes I do tell these people to get fucked.

People that call to try to sell me shit. I'll get this one out of the way first, because it's the obvious one. The thing that really amazes me is that people still do this for a living. Is there really that much of a market these days for remanufactured laser printer toner for your home or office, sold by someone that sounds like they're reading a script that's spelled out for them phonetically on a kitchen sponge upon which they are simultaneously chewing? Because I sure as shit have gotten thousands of those calls at work.

People that call trying to get me to take a survey. No, I don't have time for a survey, from which I gain nothing but wasted time and you gain valuable market research. Don't act all hurt and confused as to why I don't want to take valuable time out of my work day to do you this tremendous "solid." Besides, if you start off the conversation with "I'm not trying to sell you anything," I assume that you actually are trying to sell me something, so I hang up on you right after telling you to get fucked.

People that are either trying to recruit me or make me hire some other asshole. I have no authority to hire anyone at work. In addition, I will not sit at my desk at work and tell some dude that calls me out of the blue about how I'd rather have a sweeter job. My boss sits right next to me, and I'd tell him somewhat sooner than I'd tell some random douchebag that called me at work if I had any beef with his managerial style. Furthermore, I will not tell this dude the intricacies of how our office runs, so he can find people to do all of our jobs better than we currently do them. I will, in fact, half-heartedly tell them that I'm either transferring their call to the HR department, or they can ask me another question and they'll get hung up on. You can never get these fuckfaces off of the phone when they call you, so they always choose to get hung up on. Every time, without fail. I really enjoy hanging up on them mid-sentence. Almost as much as telling someone they can get fucked.

People that call me when I'm very busy, and say "I know you're really busy but..." Fuck you then, don't call me. That's what email is for--being deleted by me when I'm too busy to talk to you.

People that call me to tell me they're going to call me later. I would have pieced that information together when you called me later. I'm a fuckin' genius that way.

People that call me, don't leave a message, and then call again soon after. That is one of my major pet peeves. I check my voicemail. I am diligent about returning your call if you aren't someone that I really wish would just go get fucked. Usually I don't answer the phone because I'm busy, I'm on the crapper, I'm in a hot makeout session, or I'm talking to someone that, say, owns the company I work for. All of these things are way more important than whatever the call is about. Seriously, have you ever gotten called repeatedly when you're taking a dump that is like "HEY MAN YOUR CAR IS BEING STOLEN!!!!"? Nope, it's always something like "Hey man. I'm bored. What are you doing tomorrow night?" Even if you are my friend you can get fucked in this instance.

People that take the scenic route towards the point of why they are calling you, and then they start repeating themselves. In case you haven't noticed by now, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to sit around jibber jabbering on the phone all day. I quickly grow bored with pretty much any conversation within less than 2 minutes, I'd say, on average. So as a rule, if you call me, I don't really care about the entire back story of why you decided it was important that you called me. Just get to the point. None of this "you see, all this really boring stuff happened that you don't care about and I thought that I knew what was going on but then I thought wait a minute that isn't right so I thought I'd call you and find out if you knew what was going on..." I fucking hate that! And, when the conversation has run its course, there is no need to rehash what was said. I was there when you kept talking earlier. I totally heard you the first time, asshole. Just fucking stop. Because I will end the phone call in the most awkward way possible and not give any craps about it.

So if you are guilty of any of these things, please, for the love of crap, don't call me, and get fucked.