So just to change things up a bit, I'm going to list a few people who cannot get fucked.
Dungeons & Dragons Fans
Fellas, it doesn't matter how many sides there are on those dice. No girl will ever want to fuck you.
Crazy Homeless People
Not only do they smell bad and not have a home to take someone back to, but they usually have a sign that talks about God. And nobody wants to be reminded of God and how much he hates it when you get freaky if you're planning on doing some fucking.
The Best Friend of the Opposite Sex
"Maybe if I listen to her relationship problems and offer up some sensitive advice, she'll dump that asshole and we'll live happily ever after!" Haha, yeah, that will totally happen instead of her relaying the advice to her boyfriend, listening to him make false promises, and then FUCKING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM WHILE AT THE SAME TIME FORGETTING YOUR NAME.
"That Guy" at the Strip Club
You know who I'm talking about. The dude that spends $200 on lapdances because that stripper "totally wanted to get it on" with him. Yeah, that would be the obvious reason she's spending all that time with you, because she wants to fuck you. It's definitely not the fact that "That Guy" is dumb enough to pay some skank with daddy issues and gross fake boobs $200 to rub her belly button on his knee during the entire Rob Zombie greatest hits CD.
Anyone That Goes to "LAN Parties"
For those of you that aren't L33T studs like these guys, a LAN Party is when a bunch of dudes (always, always dudes) stock up on Mountain Dew and Twizzlers, bring their brand new computers to a predetermined location, connect them up in one high-speed network, and play games against each other for hours and hours. That sounds like something you do when you've never, ever touched a boob in your entire life, and the possibility of ever doing so is at best 15 years in the future.
Other than those people, it never ceases to amaze me how disgusting, freakish, or violently evil someone is, there is pretty much always someone around that is fucking them. Seriously, I've been through some pretty hellacious dry spells in my life, and when I'd watch TV they'd have a story about how some guy had to have a wall torn down so the forklift could get into his living room so that they could put him and the couch that his 1300 pound frame had fused itself to into the emergency room. And then they would interview his wife! 1300 pound dude with a couch cushion embedded between layers of skin in his ass cheeks has a wife, and had to have been boning her at some point because they have kids!
Also, even Juggalos get laid. The fact that Juggalos get laid is pretty much the reason that I stopped believing in God.
7 comments:
This is pretty hilarious. Not quite what I was talking about before but keeps with the spirit of your blog.
I wish that I watched a show about the person fused the the couch (fyi: it was a lady! so she had a husband who she boned at some point)
I'm pretty sure that with today's obesity epidemic in America, someone's ass fuses to a couch at the rate of once every 27 minutes. Don't quote me on that, though.
"someone's ass fuses to a couch at the rate of once every 27 minutes."
-Todd
Ha!
Also, I've long been protested against the stereotype of "opposite gender best friend trying to get into pants". As most of you well know, I've had a number of close friends of the opposite sex. And I find them to be an invaluable source of information as to how to get myself fucked rather than a source of actual fucking. (Though often a fine sexual harassment output).
I had to get a pair of salad tongs to remove a cushion of the couch out my ass last night. Oh yeah, couch that used to be in your basement.
Oh man, that poor couch.
Dude, tell yourself whatever you want (lord knows, in a past life, I sure as shit did). But haven't you read the manual? (i.e. "guyble") Everyone knows that friends of the opposite sex (mind you, this does not apply to homosexual friends of the opposite sex. it's a sexual preference double negative) are only really useful as backup plans just in case something happens to that special someone that you're currently boning. They are, by no stretch of the imagination, to be used as someone that gives you advice on how to find someone to bone. Man, any time a female friend of mine tried to help me out/hook me up in regards to some lady, it ended so horribly that congress passed resolutions and shit. Seriously, the goddamn internet is at least a billion times better for finding a boning partner than any friend you have of the opposite sex. CNN verified.
I love how in your seeming attempt to be a little less bitter or angry, you proceeded to insult several groups of people! I love it!
I wish I had known you were making this post. I would have sent my photo and a brief bio for inclusion, 'cause I'm definitely not getting fucked. Perhaps I should check out those 1337 LAN parties or shake hands with the couch cushion.
Somebody piss Todd off so he'll update his blog!
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